Dear Diary

Over the next few days things may get messier around here than they usually are. I’m combining a few things. I no longer have the desire to blog on multiple fronts and this is my favorite place. It’s easy for me. Call me lazy. Call me whatever you want or don’t call me at all. I’m old and I’ve decided to live my life and quit trying to please so many people so much of the time. I was never able to succeed at it. It was foolish.

Trauma will do crazy things in your life. Trauma in childhood can cause you to attempt to be all things to all people. It leaves you with no life of your own. I’m tired of it. I really don’t know what it’s like to make decisions based completely on what I feel is best for my life but I’m going to make an attempt. I don’t know how it’s going to impact people in my life but we’re going to find out.

I love my family. I love my friends. Both of them. And I know they love me, so, no matter what life looks like down the road, I know we will still love each other. Maybe more because I hope I won’t live on pins and needles, walk on eggshells – maybe you know something about that. I do. Or I did. It’s over. I hope.

Some habits are hard to break but I’m going to try. I really believe I can be kind and loving and me. So, the point I’m trying to make, and I’ve totally derailed, is that posts I’ve written elsewhere will appear here on Dear Diary. And they may be a bit different, or at least the topics and the thoughts may not be what you’d expect. But, it’s ok. I’ve been trying to pull myself together for years and I’m finally throwing caution to the wind. I’m giving myself permission to be me. It’s definitely going to get messy.